This week. (w/c 22.05.17) | A reflection.

I feel... weird, this week. It's been a terribly overwhelming week for everyone, which has left me feeling a little confused, I guess. I don't really know how I should feel, and I don't really know how I want to feel, either.

Monday morning started off different to any other Monday, mainly because of a piece of news that I'm really excited to share with you guys soon. It's going to bring about a lot of change to my life, but it's change that I'm excited about and (I think) I'm just about ready for. I'm also terrified about it, but that just means it's going to be a good change, right? 

And then Monday afternoon started to go downhill. A close friend of mine started to act differently with me. They seemed distant, and this started to really worry me. I'm the kind of person that will notice even the slightest change in someone's behaviour, and this always freaks me out. Because, why?

Why are you being different? Why are you distancing yourself? Why are you reading my messages and not replying when you normally reply instantly? Why are you going quiet? Have I done something wrong? Have I said something wrong? Has something bad happened? Have you decided that you don't want me in your life anymore? 

This sounds dramatic, but I'm an over thinker and I've probably had these thoughts about everyone at some point. It's often the little things that send me into overdrive. And then I got mad at this person, because I realised that they probably knew that how they were behaving was making me anxious and they were doing it anyway. Which hurt me, I think. All I needed was for them to tell me everything was okay instead of ignoring me, and they knew that.

And then I went to sleep and woke up at 5am to the terrible news of what had happened in Manchester. It was devastating. My social media was filled with tributes to the victims, with unfolding details of exactly what had happened and the pure scale of the tragedy. I drove to work listening to radio presenters breaking down on air trying to speak and make any sense of what had happened so close to home.

I felt guilty for getting so mad and worked up about something that seemed so trivial now the evening before. But then things were happening in work that got me excited about what's to come over the next few months. And then I felt guilty again for having happy thoughts just 12 hours after innocent children had lost their lives. 

And then the stories of pure kindness started to come out. Stories that made me cry all over again. 

Stories of people offering their rooms to people stuck in Manchester, of people offering the little things that would make a big difference, like somewhere to charge their phones and cups of tea to anyone who needed them. Hearing of people here in Liverpool spending their nights driving over the m62 to give lifts to anyone stranded and get children back home to their parents. Of the homeless men who didn't think twice to head straight over and help. And of the people who then set up online pages to raise money to then help these men and change their lives for the better.

It's at times like these that the words of Mr Rogers always ring so true;

Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.

- F R E D  R O G E R S.

By Wednesday, the emotion of everything had left me an anxious mess. It was like my brain couldn't quite process everything - the excitement, stress and apprehension of the big change that's looming, the sadness of what had happened in Manchester, the guilt, and the worry because someone who I really care about wasn't speaking to me and I had no idea why.

On Wednesday evening, I broke for the first time in a while. I felt worthless and sad and angry. I felt guilty and alone and I so desperately just needed someone to tell me that everything was okay. I cried constantly for about 4 hours before I finally fell asleep, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

When I woke up on Thursday morning, I felt a little better. I could tell that I was still anxious and feeling emotional but I wasn't as fragile as I had felt the day before. It felt like, for the first time since Monday evening, the world had started to try and get back to 'normal' - whatever that may be now. While the victims were still being remembered, people were focusing on the love and kindness that had been shown over the last few days. I managed to grab time with my friend and we ate ice cream and did things we always do, and for a few hours everything really did feel okay again.

And then I woke up on Friday morning, determined to make the most of the last of the sunshine and took myself for an early morning walk before work. Appreciating the sunrise over the city, the warmth, the breeze, and taking photo's of the place that really feels like home and always calms me.

Now, we're here. I'm sat in my favourite coffee spot trying to process everything. Doing what I know always makes me feel better and writing. Attempting to get everything out and free up my mind a little. I know that I'm lucky. I know that I'm lucky to be here, to be alive and well and with the best friends and family. To have exciting opportunities ahead of me the chance to do anything that I choose with my life.

I know that I have every right to still feel sad and worry about the things that I did before Monday night. But somehow, there's that feeling of guilt that creeps in every time I do. I know that it's going to take a while for any of us to move on from on this, particularly those who have been hugely affected and who's lives have changed forever because of these events.

So, I guess it's important to remember now more than ever to be kind. To be kind to the people around us but also to ourselves. To check in with our family and friends and really cherish everything.



  1. I think it's only natural to feel guilty and that our problems don't matter when terrible things like this happen but it's only normal. If you disregard your feelings you're going to feel worse about it and after a few days carrying on as normal is the best thing you can do. I'm excited to hear your news and I really hope you have a better week next week!


  2. I really love your posts Sophie! I hope you feel better and have a better week xx

  3. This was such a heartfelt post and I really hope that you have a better week than the last one now. Oh and I love seeing pictures of your lovely city! They are always soooo swoon worthy!
    Lea, xx

  4. Sending so much love Soph - such an important message! xxx