I've learned how to love my body, but I don't know how to love myself.


I've learnt how to love my body, but I don't know how to love myself.

In the last 2 years, I've learned how to appreciate my body. I've learned how to get the best out of it and how to dress it best. But most of all, I've learned to love it.

Now, I really can't take all of the credit for this, because I most definitely didn't do this on my own. There's one person in particular who doesn't quite realise how much they've helped me with this, but through them, and through having someone else appreciate my body for the first time, I've learned to love and accept it too.

I've become self confident in the way I dress, in the way I walk and the way I carry myself. I no longer feel self conscious that my thighs are too big or that my boobs are too tiny. I know that I have flaws and I know that people will still see them, but it just doesn't bother me as much anymore.

Should it have taken someone else to help me with this? Probably not. But it did. And I'll be forever grateful that I met this person, even if it was just for this. Because accepting our own bodies, being body positive and body confident is hard. Really hard. But boy, doesn't it feel great once you get there?


But loving myself? I don't know how to do that.


I don't know how to stop those voices in my head from telling me that I'm never good enough, that I never have been and that I never will be. I don't know how to convince myself that I'm not a burden to people. I don't know how to stop feeling worthless.

I don't know how to stop myself from spiralling into bad thoughts, that leave me crying in bed for hours and with a whole evening or morning wasted. I don't know how to let go of negative thoughts about myself, instead I hold onto them and repeat them until I believe them.

I don't know how to let go and get myself out of relationships when they turn toxic. I don't know how to put myself first when I need to, I don't know how to not let others make me feel like nothing. I don't know how to forgive myself or stop all of the self-neglect, and I certainly don't know how to believe in my worth.
   

For me, body confidence and self-confidence are two totally different things. One, I feel like I've mastered most days, but as for the other, I'm way off. Maybe it's because I don't know myself well enough yet, maybe it's because I'm still dwelling on events of the past when I should've forgotten and moved on by now, or maybe it's been a series of unhealthy relationships.

My problem is that I'm not sure how to get better, most definitely not by myself. And I think, like most people, I have some really good as well as really bad days. It's like, just as I feel as if I'm starting to get a handle on it, something sends me spiralling right back down to the bottom. 

And so, I'd like to end this with an answer. A way of making the bad thoughts and self-neglect go away forever. But I really can't. It might be something that I'll always have to battle, because I certainly have had to up until now. But it'll always be something that, on my good days, I'll be determined to end because, honestly? I'm tired. 

I'm tired of always feeling like I'm failing and broken and like I'm not good enough. It's mentally draining and exhausting and something that I know will probably only get worse if I don't at least try to fix myself.

So, here's to working on me. In any possible way that I can.


Soph

9 comments

  1. Love this Sophie.. it feels like youre talking for me as I can totally relate. Im pretty confident in my appearance etc and i think people think that means your confident full stop and have everything together. But its not true.. i have a long way to go to feel confident in myself and i can relate to all the things you said so much. Its so nice to know im not the only one who feels this way! I hope we can both improve though :)

    Sinead | dreamingagainblog.com

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  2. This is such an interesting post, thanks for sharing Sophie! I can definitely relate to the feeling of lack of worth or failure and you're right it's a tough thing that a lot of people feel and have to work on each day! I'm so glad to hear you're feeling confident in your body though and that you're happy in your body shape (you definitely should be!), I hope that I can feel the same some day soon!

    JosieVictoriaa // Fashion, Travel & Lifestyle

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  3. I wish I could give you helpful advice or tips, but unfortunately I feel like as much as I want to say I am always thinking positive and feeling confident, that is just not the case. Those down days come around more often that I'd like to admit sometimes and I wish there was an easy solution to get rid of them. Maybe it's something everyone goes through and we are all just trying to not let it show or maybe some people really have a handle on total confidence, I don't know. I do know that it's a work in progress and also that it's good to remind yourself how you feel on those great, happy days, when you feel capable of anything. Little by little I'm trying to do that more anytime I feel those negative thoughts. You've already done and accomplished great things, so anytime you feel yourself lacking that self love, maybe remind yourself of what you've already overcome and succeeded in! :)

    Kelly
    www.theblossomtwins.com

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  4. Good for you Sophie for learning to love your body! I agree that body confidence and self confidence are not the same thing. One is more external, while the other is completely an internal process. We can be our biggest supporters, but we can also be our worst critics. The internal battle of learning to love who you are is not an easy one. I actually find it harder than learning to love your body. The journey is tough, but I know you'll make it through <3

    Kathlyn | Kathlyn's Korner

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  5. Oh my gosh Soph, I needed to read this right now. I've been trying to sum up how I feel about myself as of late and you literally summed up the fact that I have a lot of 'self confidence' but zero 'body confidence'. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS xxx

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  6. This rang so true to me! You've pretty much succeeded in encapsulating exactly how I feel in a few sentences. I truly think there is hope though and somehow we will find the way that works for us. All my love <3

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  7. The bra you're wearing is so cute, I love it! And I totally agree with you, loving your body is a different thing from loving yourself. I think both of them takes time and you should try not to be too hard with yourself xxx
    http://fallingforablog.blogspot.com.es/2017/05/wishlist-v-string-swimsuit-and-others.html

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  8. Definitely agree that body confidence and self confidence are two different things, I'm someone who's quite good with body confidence, I don't let my flaws bother me too much but my self confidence is appalling and I really should give myself some more credit!

    Lucy | Forever September

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  9. I can so relate to this, body confidence and self confidence are so different. I'm such a laid back person and I'm pretty confident most of the time but when it comes to my body I just wanna hide. Its so hard to know what suits me stylewise.. still getting there.. xo

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