Life lately | Can I just chat to you guys for a little while?

Grab a cuppa, I feel like I just need to chat, and this might be a long one. 

A couple of weekends ago, I grabbed a few friends and dragged them over to New Brighton. The weather was just perfect and I guess I needed a walk to clear my head, whilst also feeling the need for some company. The sun was out, but it was still cold enough to get wrapped up in a scarf and cosy jacket, to grab a coffee and then enjoy the fresh air, the perfect blue hues of the sky, and the beautiful smell of the sea air.

And now, now I'm grabbing you guys and hoping that you'll just let me chat for a little while. I have no idea where this post is going to go, or what the overall subject matter is going to be. But I haven't just sat down and written something in a while, and I guess I kinda miss that. So, here goes.

There's a lot going on in this little head of mine at the minute. I'm excited and happy. But I'm confused, feeling fragile and a little scared. I'm enjoying the little things in life but I'm longing to satisfy an inner craving of something bigger. I'm aware that I'm lucky and in a fabulous position right now, but that doesn't mean that I feel complete.

I feel like there's something missing, and while part of me can't quite explain it exactly, there's a part of me that knows exactly what I want. I have countless posts sat in my drafts, each one trying to explain exactly how I'm feeling; open letters to people in my life who I care about, attempting to explain where I'm at and why I may have been acting a little distant or different, lately. I doubt any of these will see the light of day, but writing is my outlet and sometimes it just helps, right?

This same weekend, I'd spent the Saturday wandering around the city and taking all of the photo's of everything. And there was a moment when I was looking up at The Royal Liver Building on Liverpool docks, there was hardly anyone else around and I just felt this overwhelming sense of pure joy. I just started smiling and laughing to myself because I realised that actually, life was good. I was happy. 

And then that evening I returned to an empty flat, and I felt suddenly alone again. And it's this constant conflict and emotional battle that gets me down, sometimes. In the same way that some days, I'm the most independent girl you'll ever meet. I'm more than happy to spend days by myself, getting things done, keeping myself occupied and feeling a little like a girl boss accomplishing everything on my to-do list. And then other days, I find myself curled up under my duvet feeling lost, down and like I really just need a good old hug.

If there's one thing that I'd say about myself, it's that I'm fiercely loyal. If we're friends, if we're close, if we chat all the time then there's probably nothing that I wouldn't do for you. If you needed me in the middle of the night then I'd find a way to get to you. If you suddenly found yourself upset, then I'd absolutely do anything to try and comfort you. Or if you confide in me that you're feeling a little down, I'll go out of my way to bring you a little surprise to cheer you up.

But, sometimes I forget that not everyone feels and thinks in the same way I do, and this... loyalty is probably the wrong word... but this, showing that you're cared about, I guess, isn't always reciprocated as much or in the same way, and I think it's this that's been getting to me a little recently. Now, the people that I have in mind when writing this, they don't do it on purpose. Because I know that they do actually care - they just have different ways of showing it to me. But as a girl who needs a lot of reassurance from everyone in her life, it gets hard, sometimes.

I know that life always has a way of working things out, and that this feeling is just a little blip, and to be honest, I think I know how I can fix it. But it's that age old problem of knowing that things are going to have to get harder before they get better, and thats scary sometimes, right?

Anyway, normal and more upbeat posts will resume as of tomorrow. Promise! :)



  1. Hey there! I've just finished reading your post and there is something I have to agree with you. From time to time, I feel it in the same way. I think, bad things happen but as you wrote every, bad things will pass. You'll see. :) Wish you good luck with everything you'll decide to do. :)

  2. Hey Soph, thank you for this post, I can definetly relate to what you've written about... Sometimes I feel like I want to fast-forward the next years so that I can just be leading the life I want already and not have to wait any longer, other times I find happiness and pure joy in small things and don't ever want it to end. I think we'll just have to accept that that's how life goes and it will all work out in the end :) Have a nice day and don't ever apologise for the way you feel :)

  3. I loved this post - thanks for sharing! I feel the same way about people in my life because I'm fiercely loyal too but it feels like people aren't putting in the same effort. It's hard to put into words though. It's great that you're trying!

  4. I totally understand how you feel. I'm always that friend going the extra mile and sometimes I'd just love for someone to do that for me. But I've learned that just because people show they care in different ways, doesn't mean they care any less. That said, if people aren't reciprocating your love and effort enough, maybe they don't deserve it in the first place.
    Hope you're feeling better lovely!
    Shannon x

  5. I can so relate to this post - I get the same conflict of feeling so happy and fulfilled but then in the next breath feeling so low and alone. I'm kinda glad I'm not the only one who's struggling with this.

    The Life & Times of Belle

  6. As you said.. bad things pass. I can relate so much!

    xx Lisa

  7. I can totally relate to this post, I know the feeling of being a girl boss and being happy in my own company to then return to an empty flat and revert to being sad and lonely. But you're right, it does pass and things change. I'm glad that I'm not the only one in this boat.

    Hannah Rose -

  8. Oh soph, *sends one huge massive hug*! I love you, you gorgeous human being xxxx

  9. Writting is the beat therapy for everything in me. xx

  10. After reading this post, all i can think of is 1. thank you, I feel pretty similar these days, 2. I wish I had a friend like you. I understand everyone has their own lives but I wish I had someone close to me, a friend to laugh and joke with and tell everything too and 3. Yes I'm also a girl who needs a lot of reassurance so you're definately not alone. :) I know you have your friends but I'm here anytime :) xxx