Actually, is it a total cop out to say that I am and I am not body confident? 'Cause that's probably what we all are, right? Like, sometimes, you'll put on an outfit, look in the mirror, and think 'omg I feel super cute today, I actually feel great and I want everyone to see how good my bum looks in these jeans.' And then, other days, you throw on some clothes, look in the mirror, and think 'oh good god, nope. I'm getting back into bed.'
This post has been brewing in my head for a while. It's been sat in my drafts for a good six months, but recent events have given me that little bit of extra inspiration to finally try and get my words out. Apologies now if this gets a little rambly.
I took this photo, above, last summer, when the lovely ladies at Triangl sent me one of their bikini's and I needed to get it up on Instagram. I had two options; a flat lay, or I wear it. I ended up choosing the latter, because this was one of the times that I was feeling pretty confident in myself, and just thought, why the hell not.
I can look at this photo and think, yeah, I like it. And then other times I look at it like, 'oh god, I'm so pale. My face looks weird. Do my boobs look wonky? I think those jeans make me look dead fat....' and I could go on.
For as long as I can remember, and up until about two years ago, I just wasn't confident. At all. I mean, even things like walking through the office to get to the ladies would make me squirm with anxiousness 'cause I was convinced I just looked terrible in everything and everyone was going to judge me for it. There was no way I'd put even a photo of my face on the internet, because again, I just hated my body and I hated the way I looked.
I even remember being in primary school, and being sat on the floor with my legs crossed in assembly, and trying to make my little dress a little longer and cover my legs because I thought they were too fat for anyone to see, and I didn't want any other girls to make fun of me. That's how long I've hated my body for.
And then, something just clicked. I don't know what it was, but all of a sudden, I stopped caring. Kind of. I mean, I'm still an over thinker, and I still analyse everything, and I'm still convinced that people are judging me every second of every day, but I'm just not as bothered by it any more.
I'm not scared to say out loud that actually, I feel really good about myself today and I'd really quite like to share that.
I'm not afraid to put a photo of my body in my gym kit on Instagram when I'm feeling proud of the progress I'm making for fear of backlash or people saying horrible things.
I don't mind putting a make-up free selfie on the internet when I'm having a proper good skin day CAUSE OMG LOOK HOW GOOD MY SKIN LOOKS today.
But then, I also know that I'm honest with myself. Probably still a little too honest and self critical to be honest, but this is something I'm working on. I know when I've eaten terribly that week, and I know when I probably need to pay an extra visit to the gym, 'cause that Nando's and the 4 chocolate bars I've eaten this week ain't gonna shift themselves.
Don't get me wrong, like I said before, I still have those days where my self-confidence absolutely plummets. I don't want anyone to see me and I'll absolutely hate everything about myself. And then I go on social media and see all these other girls that are sharing their good days and I feel even worse.
A lot of my 'bad thoughts' come from the fear of not being good enough, I think. Of not being thin enough, of not being physically fit enough, of not being tall enough, of not having hips that are small enough, and everything else that goes along with trying so hard to conform to what you think people expect you to look like.
But do you know what? I'm pretty damn happy with the way I look right now. I'm eating good stuff, I have the gym across the road, I've got a pretty good skincare routine going on, and I'm getting more confident in creating my own style.
I think as soon as we all stop being so hard on ourselves, that's when the freedom comes to care a little less and love our own bodies the way we should. We shouldn't need to depend on other people to tell us that we look good today. Because if you feel like you look good today, you look good today. So, go and Instagram the hell out of that photo you've just taken and let people know that you're feeling awesome, and be sure to walk through the office with that extra little bit of sass. ;)
What are your thoughts on body confidence?