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WELCOME

WELCOME
Hello, you! I'm Soph - a 22 year old girl currently living in Liverpool, spending most of her time writing, taking photo's, drinking coffee & trying not to eat too much cake.
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Just bear with me.




I've got a feeling that this post may be a little bit different to normal. I'm not really sure what direction it's going to take, or what exactly is going to come out, but I wanted to write it so I'm gonna do just that. Write and see what happens. (Apologies now if this turns into a bit of an essay.)

I like my blog to be somewhere that's upbeat. A positive place where I can focus my thoughts, 'look on the bright side of life' and forget the crap. A lot of people comment that I'm a happy person, I like to smile and laugh a lot, and it really is the best way to be. But there's also the Soph that a lot of people don't see, in fact, I'm pretty sure 99% of people in my life, including my closest friends, don't know about what I'm about to write. Because sometimes, it's a lot easier to just fake it and pretend that you're totally and utterly and completely okay, and it means that other people aren't worrying about you either. (I mean c'mon, there's enough worrying going on around here as it is...)

Most people know I worry. But I worry about almost everything, what I say, what I do, what you're thinking, how people perceive me, all the terrible things that are going on in the world. The list is pretty endless. I worry about other people too. If we're talking and you don't reply to a message within a normal amount of time, I'm probably thinking the worst. You've either been kidnapped or run over, when actually you've probably just fallen asleep or your battery's dead. But I can't help it. 

I get told not to worry, and I wish it was as simple as that. I know that most of it is irrational. So telling me this, or shouting at me to stop it, isn't going to help. In fact, it's just gonna make me worry even more that you're now mad at me. See the kinda circle I'm stuck in here? Most of the things I worry about, or that I get that un-nerving anxious feeling about when your hearts beating at 70mph, your chest tightens and you feel sick, I know are stupid things to get bothered about. They can be normal, everyday things. I know it and trust me, if I could control what I worry about, most of things I actually do worry about, would definitely not be on that list. Life would be a whole lot easier if this was the case!


Some days can be a constant battle. A battle with your own head to drag yourself out of bed and go to work. To actually stay at work and not run home and back to that safe haven. Most days, I'm glad to say, are a success. I can distract myself, keep myself busy, not think about all the things that make me feel down and crap, and I can fight through that overwhelming feeling of nervousness and worry.

Some days on the other hand aren't so successful. I can go from being completely fine, to then spending hours just cocooned and in tears under my duvet. Knowing full well that if I could just get up and go out, I'd feel so much better. But I just physically can't do it sometimes.

As was once pointed out to me, our minds are amazing and wonderful, and are capable of beautiful things. They allow us to see and hear some lovely things,  but they are also capable of some not so great things. They can take us to places we don't want to be, constantly remind us of stuff we'd rather not think about and play some rather nasty tricks on us. 

It convinces me that I'm not good enough. That I don't deserve to be happy, that I've got nothing to give anyone, that I'm just a waste of time, that my friends are just being polite and nice and humouring me and actually, would rather me not be around. 

Thoughts like this can come from anywhere. Thinking about stuff that's happened in the past, scrolling through social media, passing comments from other people, anything could be a trigger. But we can't just run and hide from it. Yes, sometimes you just need to get the emotions out, but I'm slowly learning and trying to not let things get to me as much anymore. I'm trying to get stronger, slowly.

But in the mean time, I might need you just please, bear with me. If I'm asking questions that might seem a bit strange, I'm just trying to gauge your mood, and whether I get the feeling that you'd rather me leave you alone. If I'm asking your permission for the smallest of things, like simply just if I can ask you a question, it's because I don't want to bother you if you don't want me speaking to you.

I don't want to be a burden. 

Here's another one. I'm also rather good at convincing myself that no matter how trivial the topic of conversation is, if I'm not already fretting that you're in trouble, after every message/conversation, I'll be telling myself that I've just massively offended you. That you're so upset and mad at me that you probably don't want to ever speak to me again. Yeah, I know. It's daft. And this is why I'll probably apologise to you a lot too. Probably pretty constantly. I can see how this must be annoying but just please, bear with me. It makes me feel better, I'm not trying to bother you, it just makes me feel that little bit less of a burden.

Constantly thinking, overthinking and worrying about what you might've done wrong, what you are doing wrong, and what could possibly go wrong, it's tiring and mentally exhausting and I've no idea whether it's completely normal or not. I'm gonna go with not, but I'm working on it!

Something else. Imagine we're trying to make plans and you tell me it's up to me. Nah-uh. This is not a good idea. It's not just that I'm indecisive (which doesn't help matters anyway... my favourite colour is white for goodness sake...!) it's that I don't want to make the wrong decision. I'm not trying to be awkward or difficult, it's just that I'd rather you chose what we do, where we go, what we eat, because then I know that you'll be happy. I'll know that this was okay with you, and that you're not annoyed or mad or peeved off at me for choosing the wrong one and I don't have to spend the rest of our time together worrying that you'd much rather be spending your time doing something else, with someone else or would have rather gone to the other place. 

Like I've mentioned, I'm trying to get better at this. One day, maybe, things won't bother me like they do now. Maybe at some point I won't need that constant re-assurance that I'm doing okay. I'm learning from a number of different people at the minute, and I'm learning a lot. But it's kinda like when you pass your theory test. You now technically know what and how you should do stuff, but actually putting it into practise and not scaring the living daylights out of your driving instructor is another matter. 

But you know what, I'm determined. It's kinda exhausting being constantly worried about everything that you say and do. I don't want to spend all my time being constantly concerned and worried and having those little butterflies in your stomach for days at a time. 


While I already know that this is going to be easier said than done, I'm gonna still give it a flipping good go.

Soph

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  1. This is such a lovely post to read, because I also suffer with severe worry/anxiety, and I can completely relate to you. It can be so hard to deal with sometimes, but as long as you're determined I think everything will be okay x

    Lucy | www.foreverseptemberr.blogspot.com
    ps - Your blog is one of my favourites, so keep doing what you're doing.

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    1. Thank you so much Lucy! I shall definitely do my best! :) x

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  2. Ah man, I came here from reading Kayleigh's (veryberrycosmo) latest post which already had me in tears and now I'm unstoppable. An amazingly honest piece Sophie that was so brave of you to write. I just want you to know that reading this has really made me realise that non of us are alone in the world. Some of the things you write about, I know exactly what you mean! You summed it up so so well, especially the whole thing about when people ask you to decide what to do. I've been talking up more about the things you talk about in here recently, mainly just to my mum but as far as I can gather, all of these feelings are A LOT more common than we could ever know. It is just that it is a topic that doesn't get discussed that much very openly but I promise you that you're not alone when you feel like this. I just hope you know that you are amazing at what you do and to be able to write pieces that strike such a chord with people is so amazing. Lots of love(Sorry if this comment is very rambly, I'm basically typing as I think!)
    Sarah xxx www.whatsasssays.com

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    1. Sarah! This comment oh my goodness. Thank you so much, I hope you're okay lovely xx

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  3. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've just put into words exactly how I feel, it's kind of a revelation to me that other people feel the complete same as me. Sometimes I daren't even switch the tv on just in case something on there worries me. I can't watch anything like 24hrs in A&E as I get myself in an awful state. The feeling of worry and not being good enough has stopped me from doing things before, but I'm determined to not let those feelings stop me in the future! If you ever need to talk Soph, I'm here :)

    Maisie x | thoroughlymodernmaisie.com

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    1. Haha no, thank you Maisie! I'm definitely not great with 24 hours in A&E either! That means an awful lot so thank you :) x

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  4. Reading this post was like reading my own mind!!! It's so hard to live with constant worrying. Someone told me apparently only people with really big imagination get worried about silly things, so whenever I have those horrible butterflies in my stomach about something, i try to imagine the most positive outcome. Like if someone is not replying for hours, instead of thinking i've annoyed them, which i normally would, i start thinking of them being busy, probably just enjoying a good book that they can't turn they eyes away from, or cooking dinner and stuff like that. It really does help, your mind will then get used to not assuming the worst :) i know it's easier said than done cause sometimes i feel like i'll never crack this, but it can get better :-) x

    Cup Of Simee

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    1. Ahh I've never heard that one before but I guess it would make a lot of sense! Yeah, I try to do that too but I think I need to get a bit better at it haha! I hope you're okay sweet :) and thank you! x

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  5. I feel like you just described my life - like you knew every little thing that goes through my mind.
    It was so nice to be able to read this an know that others feel the exact same way - not because I want others to have to go through this too but because it makes me feel just that little bit more normal. Like maybe I can get through it!

    Keep going girl! You can do it :) xx

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    1. I'm so glad I'm not the only one that feels like this sometimes! You can definitely get through this girl! x

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  6. This was so beautifully written, Soph, and I hope that sharing things has helped you. I always find that writing things and expressing how I feel helps and I'm sure it helps to know that you're not alone. I too worry about absolutely everything. I actually find it so annoying that I get so worried - I just want to be a carefree person who doesn't care about just upping and leaving to go travelling on the other side of the world!

    If you're ever looking for someone to chat to then I'll always be there to listen : ) just drop me a message my beauty. If we're feeling troubled and down then it would be great to pick each other up!! Lots of love xxxxx

    Jessie | allthingsbeautiful-x

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    1. Thank you so much Jessie, that means a lot! That would be pretty great, and I'll definitely remember that :) xx

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  7. This post is going to touch so many people as it is so relateable, I can relate to so many points in this. You have written this so beautifully! You're so right thinking there will be a day when you won't worry as much, it won't always be this way. It's just finding ways to cope and push the worry to the back of your mind. Stay strong!x

    Amanda / Amanda's Escape

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    1. Thank you Amanda! It really is, and I'm doing my best! Hope you're okay chick xx

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  8. Wow! Thank you so much for posting this. I love your blog already but this is a really honest and genuine post that people can relate to. Stay strong, accept there will be down days but as you say- remain determined. :) xx

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    1. Thank you for reading and thank you for such a lovely comment :) I shall do my very best! :) xx

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  9. I am SO proud of you. I want to give you the biggest hug and all of my love. You're amazing Soph, you're a fantastic friend and I promise I will always bear with you, I'll let you ask me silly questions and I'll order the coffee! You can tell my anything and you know Im always here.
    I love you <3 xxxxxxxxx

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  10. This post is so amazing! I overthink and worry a lot too, because of my anxiety and I know how much it sucks. I'm always here if you need a chat.

    Holly x

    bisoushollyolivia.blogspot.co.uk

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  11. I am the same, I'm always thinking what could happen, I'm trying to be more present! It's difficult but trying to think through the positives of a situation and what you may get out of it often helps! My dad has always told me it's good to worry sometimes, as it shows it's important to you and I take comfort in that!

    Bonnie x

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  12. Hi Soph,

    This is such a lovely honest post of yours...I do hope all the lovely comments you are getting are making you feel a little better ;-)
    In any case I used to be exactly like you and then years ago I bought the book "How to stop worrying and start living"...I do hope you don't mind me mentioning this to you but it really helped me and maybe it is worth a read just in case it does help ;-)
    Have a wonderful weekend.
    Yvonne x
    www.funkyforty.com

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